I vowed my kids wouldn’t eat white bread. I lasted two weeks

So, the choices we make really matter (no pressure!), which brings me back to bread.

My parenting food philosophy is roughly the 80/20 rule: aim to get most of it right, so we can relax and let them enjoy an after-school treat and the jelly snakes at sport. “Most of it” includes what’s in their lunchboxes each day.

Yet after two weeks of “disgusting” wholegrain sandwiches coming home uneaten, I relented. Anything to get something in them, I reasoned. And I’m not alone in this reasoning (and exasperated defeat).

In the nearly 20 years Fuller has worked at the University of Sydney’s Charles Perkins Centre, he has witnessed children increasingly dictate the food environment. After all, UPFs are far more pervasive than they were even 20 years ago. And you can’t blame the child for wanting them.

Foods such as white bread, chicken nuggets, cereals and flavoured yoghurts set off feel-good chemicals in the brain, and they taste good. But Fuller believes that parents giving in to constant demands for these foods is at least partially to blame for growing weight and metabolic issues in young people, not to mention nutrient deficiencies, poor development and constipation.

“Parents are constantly giving in to their child’s food demands – the white, beige food diet,” says Fuller, the author of Healthy Parents, Healthy Kids.

“Over time, this just leads to the narrowing of a child’s diet – they eat fewer and fewer foods, and are not getting the nutrition they need to stay healthy and program a ‘set weight’ that is optimum throughout life.

“We’ve got to dictate the food environment and stop giving in to those demands.”

But what does that look like in practice? If children refuse a meal, avoid pressuring them into eating it or bribing them with treats. Simply let them know that if they don’t want it, they don’t have to eat it.

“If they do reject that meal, we don’t recommend offering a back-up meal,” says Luka McCabe, author of Toddler to Table and founder of Boob to Food, a popular online community offering nutrition guidance. “If they ask for something else – you make spaghetti bolognaise, and they ask for a sandwich – we would say not to do that.”

On the odd occasion, they may have to go to bed hungry.

“It’s not going to be an overnight fix – they are going to kick up a stink – but when we’re playing the long game, they do start to understand that if I’m hungry, this is what’s on offer,” she says, noting that this does not apply to children who are neurodiverse, who may starve themselves.

Food fussiness is only natural

Food fussiness is a normal part of childhood development, and experts say it is the result of both evolution and a need for control.

Children have more sweet taste buds on their tongues, an adaptation that made them avoid sour or bitter foods, which could be dangerous.

“Hundreds of thousands of years ago, we learnt to seek out foods that were naturally high in sugar and naturally high in fats, as they gave us the biggest bang for buck,” Fuller adds.

This means that it can take a while for children to get used to foods with a flavour profile beyond, well, white bread or chicken nuggets.

The second issue is that children tend to have very little control over their lives. “We’re constantly telling them what to do and when to do it,” says Fuller, a father of two. “There’s one aspect of their life that they can have some control over, and that’s food.”

Exposure and consideration

McCabe advocates being considerate, but not catering. For instance, the mother of three says one of her children dislikes the texture of certain meats, including steak.

“If we’re having steak for dinner, I’m not going to make him a completely different dinner,” she says. “But I will be mindful he might need extra vegetables or some other form of protein on his plate because he’s likely not going to eat the steak.”

And she will try to keep exposing him, putting a sliver on his plate knowing it’s unlikely to be eaten. Platter style or deconstructed meals for which children have control over toppings and sauces can also help to prevent a complete rejection of the meal.

We can play into their need for autonomy by involving kids in meal planning, shopping, preparation and cooking where possible.

Dr Becky, a child psychologist and mother of three, recently told her 2.9 million Instagram followers that she gives her children a choice of three breakfast options – such as bagel, yoghurt or eggs – written on a notepad “menu”.

“They write their initials next to the option they want,” she said. “It takes breakfast battles out of the equation … They feel like they have agency, and they’re in control, and because you do it the night before, there’s no morning rush.”

McCabe agrees that offering a couple of choices can help, as can a little novelty – a silly fork or straw, food cut in different shapes – and ensuring kids are hungry by the time the main meal arrives.

My hack for the inevitable afternoon hangries is to serve a big plate of steamed veg as the “entree” or to just feed them dinner at 4pm. This works for me, although Fuller and McCabe both recommend eating with our children as often as possible, to role model healthy eating and for the social and cultural connection of sharing a meal.

“Even one parent at the dinner table can have a significant impact on the variety of what they eat,” McCabe says.

But for those of us who have already given in to one or more food demands, like myself, is a certain food (hello, wholegrain bread) a hill worth dying on?

“That’s just what they’re hooked on. We can get them hooked on the healthier foods as well,” says Fuller.

“Research shows you can reverse those unhealthy habits, but you have to work on it slowly over time. You might start with one food.”

McCabe is less fussed, provided the rest of their diet is diverse, and mostly wholefoods. “Unless you are concerned about your child’s weight, or they are showing signs of a deficiency, and then you should be leaning on a professional for advice, I don’t think we should be too focused on nutrients. Just be focused on whole foods and a variety of foods.”

And, she adds, don’t give up.

“They need to be offered eight to 15 times before you can write that food off,” she says. “They’re never going to learn to like a food they’re not exposed to.”

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